Butterfly Wings

Big Trigger Week
Warning!Potential trigger alert: references to suicide, intrusive thoughts, and female reproductive stuff. Body: Hey, it’s been a while. I think it’s time for Big Trigger Week. I think you refer to it as DUPSUFO. Me: No! Please! I had plans...

Only you would think to warn someone else to take care at the top of a post like this - you are such a special person. Even when feeling so hopeless about your progress, you still have the capacity to consider how someone might feel reading what you had to say. Try to remember how amazing you are!

I hope that you are feeling better than you were on this day or that you are making sure that He knows how you are feeling.

Yes, some days I get more done (sometimes even the dishes!) but often it's all just too overwhelming. I'm doing better than I was a few months ago, but it's still a work in progress. And I agree, it's worth it in the end.

That post kind of came from expecting that dreaded question at the end of the day.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Thanks!
I'm sorry you know that feeling too. Too many do, and I wish I could just make everybody better. Knowing you're not alone helps, but it's still hard in those moments.

sounds like you accomplished more that day than i do on most days, you should be proud i would say. keeping a baby alive isn't exactly the easiest task in the world, on the contrary, it's pretty fucking hard. but totally worth it in the end.

i know how you feel. i wish it didn't have to be so effing hard for some of us, it just isn't fair.
xoxo

Thank you for this amazing post. Thank you for your willingness to reach out. I am glad at the progress of this year, just wish it were oh so much more. Wish the bad days were history. Wish the meds were history. Wish the hanging on by my fingernails feeling was completely gone. But I am thrilled to have the safety net of all of you. I am sooooo thankful. It has gotten me through much!

Julie & Mirjam,

Thank you so much for your comments and kind words. I'm sorry if I scared you; I've edited to add that I'm not having that thought right now, and I've just been thinking a lot about the other night when I did. I also realised that it's been creeping up more than I wanted to admit, that there are elements of depression where I had thought it was "only" anxiety and OCD.

I agree that it's a good thing that it scared me, and that I can still focus enough that I worry how my words might affect somebody else. For me, it means that I'm still more on the OCD/anxiety side and less on the depression side.

Mirjam,
I was going to get rid of the smileys when I do my blog makeover, because it feels a bit silly, but now I'm not sure - I put that fish one there for a friend who likes the Monty Python "wet fish" skit.

You made me tear up, but then I saw the emoticon who hits with the fish and had to laugh. So I'm all over the place right now.
You're so sensitive to put a trigger warning in. I really, really get this (I'm fine), but I totally get this. But you know what, the fact that you still think about these thinks is actually a good sign. It's when you stop thinking about them, then you're in trouble.(HUGS)

Hi beautiful,
I'm so sorry you're in this place right now. Hold on to all of those thoughts and let them stop you. I've recently helped a friend through very similar thoughts, if you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me, you have my email and you know my twitter handle.
You may not know it right now but even though I've never met you, I do know. You are a beautiful person and the world will be a lesser place without you in it.

Thanks Kimberly!

Well, I've downloaded the latest WP and am playing with the settings. The part that I'm nervous about is importing my current blog stuff --- from what I'm reading, it's a pain in the you-know-what. I guess if I really had to, I could just start over and keep the old one, referring to it as an archive type thing. A bit messy, but less mind-bending

Great to hear from another happy WordPress user.

one word...
Wordpress.

I have been with them since the get go and I love them. Even when I transitioned from the free site to a self hosted one, it was seamless. I'm not very good with any sort of coding whatsoever, but their plugins are so easy to use (no I don't work for them)

What ever you choose, I wish you luck. I think it's great to blog and to get your feelings and thoughts out there.

Thanks Erica! The more I'm reading the more afraid I am of migrating across - seems the differences between my platform and WP make switching "interesting". Doing a lot of reading now to work it out.

I was on Blogger and now I'm on WP. It was an adjustment and still is but I like it. Lots of tutorials you can watch on You Tube. Good luck!

I'm OK - today. I think maybe people are so concerned with privacy and stigmas that they don't realize we all have daily troubles and could all use more love and support, and lots less judgement.

Thank you Yael. I really appreciate your comment and wise words.
Thanks again all of you!

oh sweet one,
this self exploration process is important, you need to go through these painful thoughts to reach what feels like home. Outsider complex is very powerful, and by acknowledging it, you gain power over it.
i'm so glad you joined #ppdchat, I love getting to know you. Go at your own pace, even if it feels too slow, it's the fastest way to where you really want to go. I'm going to watch you unfurl your beautiful wings as you go along your journey. Much love.

Thank you!

I'm starting to believe it's all the same thing really, but just influenced in different ways at different times by whatever hormones or stresses are acting on my system. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an easy answer?

Thank you all again. Nice to "meet" you.

Oh, I can so relate to how you feel! I have dealt with varying diagnoses in the past -- bipolar, cyclothymia, OCD, depression, anxiety and now PPD. But, it is really PPD? Is it just the other stuff resurfacing at this specific time? I don't know for sure I guess, but I do know that I really enjoy the support of the PPD community (and the #ppdchat in particular is great!).

I think you said it best when you said the labels don't really matter. It's the support and personalized care that matters.

Oh! I totally get what u r saying here! Had same feeling, as my PPD with 2 of 3 of my kids wasn't as bad as my first, nor as bad as other mommas experience. But, the ladies of PPDchat on twitter are awesome & never made me feel like I didn't "belong". My bad day, symptoms, severity etc are mine, but they are valid and real for me. U don't have to meet a certain level to be "in", that's for sure! ((HUGS))