« For @signingcharityThe Thought »

Sometimes there's only one thing

Potential trigger warning:
If you are suffering from depression or anxiety, or feeling emotionally fragile, please consider not reading this post.

Edit: I’m not doing too badly right now. I’m certainly not considering drastic measures at this time. The reason for this post is that, since the previous one, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote. I know I already think a lot (too much), but realising that I was capable of embracing that thought, even for a moment, scared me, and it’s been weighing on my mind. I started thinking about the things that usually make me not embrace it, and realised that, in the wrong moment, the difference between a yes and a no could be so very small. Maybe knowing this list is here will help me some other time. Maybe it could help somebody else remember there’s a reason to keep going.

Sometimes, there’s only one thing that stops me from letting The Thought take over.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the fact that I am Catholic, and Catholics “don’t do that”.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the fear of it hurting too much, or for too long.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the idea that I would mess it up and end up even more of a burden than I already am.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the dread of what comes after, what happens to those who decide that it’s the only answer.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the finality, the eternity, the irreversibility.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the thought of what people would say about me.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the awareness of how people would look at my husband and children.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that somebody else would be left to clean up the mess.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the consciousness that there would be mess.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the realisation that one of them would have to find me.

Sometimes, one thing is enough.

Permalink Saturday, 29 October, 2011 4:11 pm, by Mamma Email , 362 words, Categories: Anxiety & stress, Thoughts, Big questions, OCD, Depression, PPMADs ,