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Highs, lows and plateaux

This poor, neglected blog. I keep thinking of things I want to write, but never seem to write them. Sometimes it’s because I’m doing well and have better things to do. Sometimes it’s because I’m doing badly and just don’t have the strength to string a decent post together. So here’s a bit of a glimpse.


  • I’m doing better, generally. Two steps forward, one step back, all that stuff. I’m constantly trying to keep in mind that “setbacks are a sure sign of progress” - from the lovely Yael at Postpartum Depression to Joy.
  • I’ve found support in some surprising places. Fellow PND/PPD sufferers and survivors on Twitter, friends who don’t “get it” but support me anyway, the very rare friend who does get it and trusts me enough to share their own struggles.
  • Admitting, somewhat publicly, that I’m struggling has lifted some of the pressure to appear “normal”. People either accept that I’m not able to do everything yet, or they ignore me and get on with their lives. Or they try to help. If they’re talking behind my back, then that’s their problem, not mine.
  • I’m actually entertaining the thought of riding my bike, or walking, in places that I’ve been too afraid to go. Places I used to go without worrying unduly. Places that normal people go. I have actually walked to certain closer places, not without anxiety, but it’s a start. It’s not enough, but it’s something. Even if I entertain the thought and then shrug it off, it’s there, trying to peek through.


  • I’ve regained some of the weight I lost during the first few months post-birth. Not a lot, but enough to feel like it’s not a minor fluctuation and that I’ve gone backwards.
  • I’m still trying to modify my diet because we haven’t completely solved baby’s apparent intolerance issues. Baby is doing better, but there’s still something missing. It’s a slow process. Ironically, cutting stuff out of my diet doesn’t seem to be making me lose any weight.
  • I sit, locked up, “safe” in my car for school drop-off/pick-up. I see so many other parents walking with their kids, like I used to do, and I feel incredibly guilty, helpless, powerless. Envious.
  • My bike sits in the backyard, gathering dust. The bike that took me adventuring less than 18 months ago, that helped me lose all that weight, sits neglected because I’m too afraid to ride it past the front gate.


Sometimes it feels more like two steps forward, two steps back. Treading water. Sometimes it’s too hard to see any progress. Sometimes I’m afraid to acknowledge progress, just in case I jinx it or something.

Weight fits in here, too. It’s an interesting one. I didn’t consciously try to lose weight after baby. It just happened. This is actually great, because it’s always been a struggle for me - except when I’ve had PP-OCD. With PND/PPD I went the other way.

Throughout my life, weight loss attempts have often followed a pattern of loss, plateau, loss (if I succeeded at passing the plateau at all). Plateaux would happen at particular weights, often corresponding to “milestone” numbers (10s or 100). It also seems to happen at significant weights that have been hurdles in the past. This time I barrelled through the previously hard-won milestones, but stalled at around the weight I was when I married. I was overweight then too, and had been trying to lose weight for the wedding, but didn’t get to where I wanted. A few months after my first PP-OCD baby, I was lighter — with relatively little effort — than I had been on my wedding day.

I haven’t broken that barrier yet. As I mentioned above, I’ve gone backwards. But I’m trying not to see it as a total failure — yet. It’s not exactly a plateau, but I’m trying to see it that way. I’m not “dieting”, just trying to be healthier. While breastfeeding, deliberate dieting can be a bad idea anyway. Getting back to some decent exercise will also help. I just have to find the courage.

Permalink Sunday, 31 July, 2011 4:35 pm, by Mamma Email , 678 words, Categories: Health, Food, Pregnancy, Bike, OCD , Leave a comment »

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