Butterfly Wings

So close to the end of this particular part of the journey, I’m realising more and more that just about the only part I’m not afraid of, or stressed out about, is the actual birth. I know I can do that.

But…

1. The house isn’t ready. I know there are different degrees of “readiness”, but there are certain things that really need doing around here, and they’ve been on my list for months.

2. The more I think about how the house isn’t ready, the more I’m frustrated about how little I’m getting done - at the moment, my main excuse is that I’m feeling exhausted and frequently light-headed. While I prefer my lowish blood pressure over high and I’m grateful that I usually don’t have to worry about that, it’s still annoying, and my brain wants me to sit or lie down more often than it’s happy for me to stand.

3. I “can’t” ask for help. This has always been a problem of mine, but when I think of the people I would ask, already quite a short list, they all have their own lives, problems and things to deal with. And I’m scared of rejection, or plans changing when I think they’re in place.

4. I haven’t yet organised anybody to be with the kids while I’m concentrating on labour and birth. See #3.

5. I haven’t organised Godparents. This might not seem like a big deal to everybody, but it’s up there for me. See #3.

6. I had postnatal depression last time. I’ve already felt the depression trying to creep in this time, and I’m not confident that I have the support systems in place. A lot has changed since the last one.

7. I’m stressing out at the drop of a hat. OCD is frequently finding ways to mess with my head, I’m crying over nearly nothing and there’s nobody to talk to about it. The Man is tired too, after working fulltime and then coming home to an emotional wife, and kids who have been waiting impatiently for him to spend time with them. While I’m spending less time on facebook, the time I spend on there seems to be mainly talking to myself and being depressing. No wonder there’s not much response. Who wants to read that??? Who wants to read this? But I’m also afraid of cutting ties, as there are a few people who I wouldn’t normally stay in contact with in other ways, and I seem to be cutting myself off a lot lately.

I’m not worried about where baby will sleep, what it will eat, what it will wear (although sorting what we have, washing it and putting it somewhere would be nice).

We have a car seat for the baby, and pretty much all the physical essentials, at least for starting out.

I was hoping I’d have it all together by now - mentally and physically. I know it’s normal to be more emotional and feel less than ready. But I don’t have to like it.