Butterfly Wings

So, I’ve been:
* feeling extremely tired
* going to bed early (for me!) and catching naps during the day
* getting hungry a bit more suddenly than usual
* experiencing some low-level nausea and slight dizziness
* totally unmotivated to do much exercise
* more impatient and cranky than usual
* having some weird but mild fluid retention issues (which seem to have resolved for now)

I tried to blame the long bike ride a week and a half ago, during which I managed to attain a sunburn and probably became a bit dehydrated. Many of my symptoms could have been attributed to dehydration (and subsequent rehydration).

I also tried to match up the symptoms with PMS, and of course many of them fit that too. My cycles are still irregular, but I have been trying to get back into charting, and while my notes are incomplete, it’s pretty clear that my next cycle “should” have well and truly started by now.

I debated buying the POAS (pee-on-a-stick) test - AKA HPT (home pregnancy test) for the last week. I looked at that section of the supermarket. I told myself no, partly because I didn’t want to have to answer questions from the kids shopping with me, and partly because I don’t like relying on that test for my answer. But my chart wasn’t conclusive enough for me. A test would give me a “yes” or a “no”, and I was far enough into my chart that I could trust the answer. And there was one particular package on sale this week. It was a single test. It was relatively cheap. And I decided I just needed to get a yes or no and get on with my life.

So yesterday morning, I peed on the stick. It said wait three minutes, but it took all of three seconds. No doubt. Really, it only confirmed what I already knew, deep down, and had been trying to ignore. It’s still early. From my (incomplete, but clear enough within reason) charting, we’re looking at late October to mid November.

It’s not that I don’t want or welcome this. Selfishly, I keep thinking “but what about my plans for big bike rides?” or “I still have so much weight to get rid of” or “but I was really going to try this raw vegan thing properly to see if my periods really did improve”. And honestly, it’s still early enough to not announce it to the world, “just in case”. I also have some personal/emotional reasons for not telling certain people yet, including the kids. But I’m documenting it here for myself. If you’re reading this, it either means I forgot to mark it “private” or I’ve decided it’s safe to make it public, and you’re reading it weeks later.

I told The Man last night. I was a little worried about how he might feel, but he seems happy enough, if a little bit surprised. We knew it could happen. We were not planning, but not preventing. My body hasn’t been healthy enough to even entertain the thought for so long now, but apparently I’ve done something right lately. Let’s hope I can keep doing something right. It’s even more important now.

Well, I intended to write a follow-up ages ago. Last time I talked about my health/weight journey was almost two months ago!

At the time, I was aiming to be under 100kg by New Year - and I reached that goal. And was ridiculously happy about it. I managed to get a bit lower than that too, and during the last couple of months have hovered between 96 to 98, for various reasons. I had a 90kg goal for my birthday (almost two weeks ago) but didn’t get there. I’m OK with that. I’ve been a bit slack with the smoothies, but have had lots of salads - summer is great for that! I haven’t been totally vegetarian or totally raw, but have tried to maintain a high ratio of raw veg. Currently, my goal is to get back into the green smoothies more regularly, keep going with the salads, and plant lots of greens in the garden when the weather calms down a little. Right now it would scorch all the tender shoots, so we have some things in pots under shadecloth until it’s safer out in the sun.

Finally, I probably should explain today’s title. It’s not sarcastic

Over the last couple of months, I have received some compliments, or at least people noticing my weight change. For a person with life-long self esteem issues, this has been fantastic. While I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing this primarily for myself, the health part also for my family - and that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter - it’s still nice when people notice. Even people who normally don’t. Especially them!

I know the compliments can’t last forever, and I can’t keep relying on them to keep me motivated. That is why I have to remind myself that they’re just bonuses, and that how I feel is the most important gauge.