Butterfly Wings

Trapped inside my own body

I know, I know, I have fully functional arms and legs, all in correct proportions and quantities. To all intents and purposes, I’m an able-bodied person and have no right to complain.
However, I’m fat. But inside, there is a person who doesn’t want to be fat. For myself, not just for my critics. I’m fitter than I look. Most people don’t know that. This morning I rode 2km on a bike, walked another 500m or so while carrying 22kg of child lying down in my arms (he had a headache and felt sick; I parked our bikes and carried him to a shop for some food and drink to give him the energy to get home again), walked the 500m back to our bikes with same child on shoulders, then we slowly rode the 2km home. What I really want is to go for another ride, but he’s asleep now and I can’t just take off for an hour or so without him.

Trapped inside my own home

See above about the child asleep in bed thing. I love walking, but he doesn’t. He’s starting to be just a bit too heavy to carry around in the Ergo. I can still do it, and once we get a rhythm going we’re great. But my back isn’t fond of that arrangement for too long.
I’ve rediscovered biking, but I can’t leave him at home alone, and there’s only so much going around in small circles in the backyard that a person can stand.
I have an old manual treadmill, but it’s just not the same. But it looks like it will have to do for a while.

Trapped inside my own head

I have too many thoughts. It is always this way, so no news there. I’m being told by my health care providers that I have hormonal issues that stop me from losing weight optimally. I’m being told by others that I’m just lazy and eat too much. I’m being told by myself that I just can’t win, and that maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to fail.

Trapped inside my own selfishness, guilt and resentment

This morning, I actually wished DS would want to try school. We’re homeschooling. We’ve chosen this. He doesn’t want to go to school. His brother is at school but is looking forward to the day we resume homeschooling with him, too. My head is telling me that I’m never again going to be able to leave the house by myself. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want to resent my kids. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking that my only chance at sanity is to farm my kids out to a school all day.

Trapped inside my own introversion

This post will be public, but not pinged to strangers. I doubt anybody will bother reading it. I don’t even know if I want anybody to read it. I’m doing this blogging thing, maybe as an outlet, maybe for attention. Sometimes I just wish somebody who cares about us would read it. Sometimes I have to be grateful that they don’t. I’d probably offend somebody. I’ve been down that road before too.