Blog move

I thought it was time to actually say “hey, I’ve moved!” — I actually launched the new blog over a month ago now, and I’m still debating whether or not to move the files/posts from this one. I think I’ve already mentioned that it’s somewhat of a headache to do that, and I don’t have the energy to deal with it right now.

So, for now at least, this is the “old” blog, and the “new” one can be found at http://butterflywings.twocockatoos.info/

Permalink Wednesday, 29 February, 2012 11:15 am, by Mamma Email , 81 words, Categories: Miscellaneous ,

For @signingcharity

Dear Charity,

In all honesty, when Lauren at My Postpartum Voice brought it to my attention that you needed some support this week, I didn’t really know what to do. I knew I wanted to help, and I wanted to contribute something, but I didn’t really know how.

I haven’t known you that long.
I don’t know you that well.
I miss a lot that happens on Twitter, since I’m on the other side of the world, I don’t always get a chance to sign in or catch up, and you all seem to have the best conversations while I’m not there.
I’m hopeless at keeping up with everybody’s blogs, including my own.

However, I know that you’re loved.
I know that you’re struggling with that anniversary.
I know that you’re on a completely different path than you were a year ago.
I know that you’re strong, and can keep going through the hard stuff.

Anniversaries of bad days are hard. I know. I have many of those, and one in particular. They are harsh reminders of harsh times in our lives. They can make us anxious, and fearful, and tearful.

And they can be measuring sticks, showing us that this anniversary is different from that day, that a photo of today will look different than a photo of that day. I’m hoping that, one day, on this anniversary, you will be able to look at this date and be proud of your progress on your journey, and glad that you took such brave steps towards your recovery.

Permalink Sunday, 30 October, 2011 9:38 am, by Mamma Email , 258 words, Categories: PPMADs ,

Sometimes there's only one thing

Potential trigger warning:
If you are suffering from depression or anxiety, or feeling emotionally fragile, please consider not reading this post.

Edit: I’m not doing too badly right now. I’m certainly not considering drastic measures at this time. The reason for this post is that, since the previous one, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote. I know I already think a lot (too much), but realising that I was capable of embracing that thought, even for a moment, scared me, and it’s been weighing on my mind. I started thinking about the things that usually make me not embrace it, and realised that, in the wrong moment, the difference between a yes and a no could be so very small. Maybe knowing this list is here will help me some other time. Maybe it could help somebody else remember there’s a reason to keep going.

Sometimes, there’s only one thing that stops me from letting The Thought take over.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the fact that I am Catholic, and Catholics “don’t do that”.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the fear of it hurting too much, or for too long.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the idea that I would mess it up and end up even more of a burden than I already am.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the dread of what comes after, what happens to those who decide that it’s the only answer.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the finality, the eternity, the irreversibility.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the thought of what people would say about me.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the awareness of how people would look at my husband and children.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that somebody else would be left to clean up the mess.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the consciousness that there would be mess.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops me is the realisation that one of them would have to find me.

Sometimes, one thing is enough.

Permalink Saturday, 29 October, 2011 4:11 pm, by Mamma Email , 362 words, Categories: Anxiety & stress, Thoughts, Big questions, OCD, Depression, PPMADs ,

The Thought

Potential trigger warning:
If you are suffering from depression or anxiety, or feeling emotionally fragile, please consider not reading this post.

Tonight, I entertained The Thought. I flirted with The Idea.

It danced around my brain, revelling in the freedom that came from my momentary lack of resistance.

It slid down into my mouth, and rolled off my tongue.

I think it scared him. He wanted to know why. Why would I ask? Why would I even want to think about it?

My eyes would not meet his. He tried to make them, to force me to face him.

I had no answer. No reply. No reason.

And then: “I’m no good for anything else”.

Like the world would be better off without me.
Without my faulty brain.
Without the stupid thoughts that make me take too long to do normal things that normal people do easily, take for granted.
Without the anxious, never-ending handwashing that frustrates and upsets my family.
Without the panic attacks that make my children roll their eyes and sigh loudly.
Without the agoraphobia that hinders social interaction and forces somebody else to do the shopping.
Without my influence, my example, my tears, my fears.

His reaction brought me back.

I reminded myself that my brain does not “do” that kind of thought, no matter how worthless I feel. My fear of what would happen next always overrides any fantasies of relief and release.

Thinking about what people would say about me, how they would look at my husband and children.

How my children would remember me.

No, I don’t “do” that thought. I apologise, I put myself down, I wallow; but I do not seriously consider “that”.

But tonight, for a moment, I did. I flipped The Thought over in my mind, examined it, spat it out into existence.

I’m not OK yet.

Permalink Monday, 24 October, 2011 1:05 am, by Mamma Email , 308 words, Categories: Anxiety & stress, Relationships, Marriage, Big questions, Health, OCD, Depression, PPMADs ,

Oooh! Shiny! (or, What did you do today?)

No, I didn’t hang the wet washing out before it turned smelly.
But I did see it sitting there and I felt terribly guilty about it.
We can wash it again.

No, I didn’t put the smelly laundry back in to wash it again.
But I did think about it. And I felt terribly guilty about it.
Maybe my back will be less painful tomorrow.

No, I didn’t put on another load of laundry.
But I did tidy the piles so I could see the washing machine better.
See, there’s a floor there. And there’s still some smelly stuff to rewash.

No, I didn’t get the kid to school on time.
But I did get him there — and I did remember to pick him up.
We were only a little bit late.

No, I didn’t spend a decent amount of time outside in the sun.
But I did spend a few minutes walking around the car after we got home again.
Apparently, I didn’t hit anything (or anybody).

No, I didn’t clear the desk.
But I did pay the bills.
They were only a little bit late.

No, I didn’t finish getting dinner ready before you arrived home.
But I did keep a baby alive all day with just my breastmilk.
Maybe you could wash the salad leaves for me?

No, I didn’t finish washing up all the dishes.
But I did get through glasses and cutlery before baby yelled at me.
See how shiny they are?

Permalink Friday, 21 October, 2011 8:07 pm, by Mamma Email , 247 words, Categories: Anxiety & stress, Babblings, Relationships, Motivation, Marriage, Health, OCD, Depression, PPMADs ,

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